heather: still at boot camp, and constantly on my mind. i miss her like i would my right arm. that sounds dumb, but it's completely sincere. that's how close we are. i'm afraid to even start another letter to her for fear i'll cry all over it. eh.

lee: well. we did the "break" thing. and since gotten back together. no breakdowns, fights, anything since then. so, i guess things are going well. he'll be here saturday. and yes, i have mixed emotions about that one.

the living situation: providided i pass the three pharmacology tests i have on friday, i'll be getting back into the nursing program. yay. due to the intensity of the program, i'll only work one day a week, and won't be able to afford living where i am now. so, for the next year and a half, i'll be swallowing every last ounce of pride i may have and moving back in with the parentals. hopefully it will work a little better than last time. i can't decide which is worse: the fights or the guilt trips. hopefully, i won't have to contend with either. (very much)

school: math class. what a joke. i'm completely failing. every other class is fine. B's if not A's. i'm entirely apathetic. all i want is to get back into the nursing program, finish, and get the HELL out of hendersonville. the BSN can come later.


blah. i'm done. this entry is depressing enough already.

sitting here, waiting to leave for spanish class.

had a mini-breakdown last night over the phone with lee. this is just getting out of hand. i'm a messy, uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster when i'm pmsing and while that's more of a circumstance and not an excuse, it's definitely making things even harder on the relationship. *sigh*

person i miss most right now? you know who you are. and i'm not sure whether or not i want to let you back in if you're only going to hurt me again. why get my hopes up, put my trust out there, and expect everything to be hunky fucking dory again if you're only going to move away? FUCK that. i'm tired of being let down by everyone, including myself.

i'm feeling all kinds of relief right about now....

(update coming, i promise)

this crazy world. is it just me, or does it seem like EVERY time i turn on the news, there's breaking alerts about either a new bombing or some new evidence of corruption in the higher ups of our government? (gee, who saw THAT coming???)

it's just slightly depressing. sigh.

ummmmmm, at work. kinda bored. getting in an update before i decide to start my huge pile of homework. ummmm, what's new?

glasses. those are new. AND super hott, yay! i think i look like a bug. a cute one, but still a bug. yikes.

this entry is not making sense. i blame it on the four hours of restless sleep i had last night. sigh. i need a cuddle buddy. :(

fox news is showing hurricane coverage. call me heartless, but i'm glad i'm not in florida right now. sliding glass doors getting blown in? no thanks. i am kinda worried about my dad and family in tampa, but from what my little brother said last night, they're not expecting too much. i'll call on my lunch break today to check in on them.

life right now is good. as routine oriented as i am, i still haven't managed to quite get back into the swing of things this semester. i'm just now finishing thank you's from my birthday in september, gah. i need to get on the ball.

i'm up at the desk today by myself. until 7P. why do they do this to me? somedays, we're slow as all get out, and other days, the patient load is so much, two liaisons can't even keep up with the work. *sigh* i love my job, though. call me a complete dork, whatever. i've never done something more fulfilling in my life.

swing by chick-fil-a last night. wow, that place has changed since i've left. it's amazing how some people can stay there, despite the horrible pay and the bs we had to put up with. oh, well. seeing patrick was slightly awkward (when is it not?) but he got my number so maybe we'll meet up and catch up on things sometime. i did get a drunk phone call from him last night, hehe. gotta love those.

school is becoming increasingly tedious. spanish is easy as crap (until she tests us, her exams are rediculous), and math is....math. i'm so sick of this class it's not even funny. i'm almost maxed out on absences, and i skipped a test on friday. i know this class is necessary, and i don't want to fail it, but i'm getting so sick of not getting it...and i mean REALLY, how is this going to help me as a nurse. "i'm sorry, sir, but you have cancer. simply put, the best way of describing your condition would be by completing the square of this equation and plotting this polynomial on a graph...." fucking bullshit, i tell yas...

aj's thinking of moving to raleigh. while i'm extremely happy that he's wanting to move on and get out of hendersonville, i can't help but be selfish and want him to stay. next to heather and mom, he's one of the few people who truly understands me. heck, we finish each other's sentances. never awkward. life just wouldn't be the same without talking to him everyday. (and nobody gives better feel-better hugs or leaves sillier voicemails.) what do you get when you cross a cat with a dog??? :P

ok, i'm done whining. i think i'll finish out my second cup of coffee and keep working on these thank you's.

oh, and apparently i carried on an entire conversation with ryan and lee last night, completely asleep the whole time. sheesh. hope i didn't say anything TOO off-the-wall!

and ohmyGOD, if these creepy old security guys won't stop flirting with me...

so, i changed my hair. i LOVE it, almost as much as i love the different reactions i get from people...mom's was a bit disappointing, but ian's, daddy's, and heather's more than made up for it. aj's reaction was the best. i needed that ego boost.

lee left an hour ago, to go see family and friends before he has to be down in augusta tomorrow for his class. seeing him was wonderful, as always, but it's the goodbye that makes it so much harder. i was crying before he had even pulled out of my driveway. it's times like this that makes me want to be the impulsive, rash person i know is deep down inside me and to pick up, pack everything, and move over to the outer banks. i just don't understand how something so perfect could be so impossibly hard...

i'm toying with the idea of running to target for some shopping r&r, but i'm terrified someone from work will see me out and i'll get in trouble for calling in and not actually being "sick." i'll probably end up doing laundry, homework, and stuffing my face with chinese food. ha. i'm really getting quite pitiful....

so, i'll admit. i'm a highly sexual person. so, of course, anything that talks about or addresses sex that i happen to come across, i'll read. i found this today. and starting off, it was a bit like reading cosmo, but it kinda pulled me in.

honestly, this is WAY better than the years upon years' worth of advice and tips and ideas one could pick up from reading cosmo (or glamour, or redbook, or whatever for that matter)...this is all the good stuff, in a little nutshell. (and i love how straight-forward it is! no cutting corners, it's great). kudos to the person i stole it from. ;)



40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.



back to incredibly-boring-and-impossibly-hard math homework, bleecccccchhhh.... :(

i'll admit, this probably won't be one of the best. i won't be a teenager any longer (only 15 more minutes left of being a teeny-bopper, hurray!), but that doesn't mean anything superspecial, because i still have a full year left til the real fun begins.

whatever. life is just ok right now. not great, not terrible, just ok. heather leaves in less than a month. and i'm ok with that. not excited, but ok. i'll be happy to have a room all to myself again and to not have to pick up her nasty hair out of the shower before i step in it every morning. yup, i'm almost excited.

this distance thing has really been a struggle for me here lately. sure, it's been slightly difficult the entire time, but ever since starting back at the ridge and having to see all these cute couples being all cutesy and shit, i'm just really missing him. i need touch, and hell, sometimes i just need a hug. it's hard having laura AND lee so far away...

so this hasn't been the most articulate or eloquent post ever, but deal. i'm pooped. it's been a long past few days, and i'm waiting up these last 10 minutes to ring in my birthday, then going to sleep.

SDAATC

in the library til my class at 12. yes, i have spanish homework. heck, i have math homework too. but i'll get it done. eventually.

i just caught creepy library guy looking at me. ewwwww.

haley is super sweet. i'm glad i have math with her.

aj, if you're reading this, i want my dvd. call me.

that's it, i s'pose.

i WANT to be antisocial, i think i just am. either that, or sooooo caught up in my own little "must do well this semester" bubble that it's going to be a bit more difficult than i thought to meet new people. on second thought, why would i even want to? i'm convinced that (with the exception of aj), there isn't anyone on this side of campus worth my time.

and it's forty-eight more days til heather leaves. can you blame me if i feel more alone than ever???